Wandering Away From My "Why" and Getting Back To Yours
Get back to your Why.
In Pursuit of My "Why"
We are on the cusp of a rebranding initiative, focused mainly on a name change - from The Alice Project, LLC to T.A.P. Executive Coaching, a Division of The Alice Project, LLC. In the meantime, let me explain why I was beginning to feel my sense of “why” wandering.Almost two years ago I started The Alice Project, LLC, my attempt at shifting from leading HR organizations to executive coaching. More specifically it was an attempt to heal from the loss of my mother, and to discard the bad habits of the corporate hard charger that I had become.My crazy entry into a field that is still slightly mysterious and relatively unmeasured (compared to my former consulting exposure) has been, well, more fun than I imagined, more meaningful than I expected and not a bad way to earn a living.What’s more ridiculous is that I have a vision for my existing coaching practice that can change – if not the entire world - certainly my world. But something occurred to me after reading the recently published Harvard Business Review article by Blake Mycoskie: bit.ly/1THm4K6.I am wildly committed to my vision of helping women (re)define productivity on their own terms and helping my clients - male and female - develop Focus, Purpose and Perspective. But I’ve been stuck in fear, worrying that if I trust myself in this business, that the world will tell me the same thing a local businessman told me two years ago: “You concept is the most convoluted thing I’ve ever heard”.What's curious to me is that I’ve never waited on mass approval. Some have called me courageous, but I simply don't deserve that designation. The truth, at almost every turn in my life, is I had no idea what I was doing (nor did I understand what it would cost me). I wore clothes that were obnoxious, I made friends with cast-offs, I married the guy everybody told me not to marry, I say “amen” in church when it is apparently not ok, and I stand up to bad behavior when everyone else is tight-lipped.Any success I’ve had, while earned with hard work, was simply forged with the idea that if I lived my life with integrity, treated people with dignity and respect - and based on my own life - honored what God placed in my heart on a daily basis, that I would feel complete and like I did what I came to do. My coaching practice is based on a deeply rooted “Why” that my passion for productive women and men can help individuals and organizations get back to their own Why, drive results, increase profits and yes, change their worlds.But, like many of my clients, I am exceptionally good at rehearsing what has hurt me in my life, what keeps me living small and silences any thoughts of doing greater things. That makes me sad. It distracts me from my Why. And then it ticks me off. And here’s why:Even with the best intentions, Blake Mycoskie, the founder of TOMS drifted into a focus on process vs. purpose (bit.ly/1THm4K6). As a result, the energy behind the wildly conscious and human-serving shoe company that was changing the face of corporate philanthropy started to wane.Management consultants the world over will tell us that the time it takes to get to an epiphany can be highly useful. But sometimes when we let fear talk us out of pursuing our Why (our purpose), we wane to the point of being average, nondescript and impotent. We could change the world - in the right direction - but we stay stuck in fear.So thank you Blake Mycoskie, I’ll take my little vision of ridiculous and preach and teach on about Focus, Purpose and Perspective. I’ll continue to believe that the C-Suite and every suite below it can benefit from a coaching culture. May I always pursue my Why - in cowboy boots, rhinestones and pearls or whatever I feel like wearing to conquer the world on any particular day.Are you ready to get back to your Why? Start here:
Ask Yourself Better, in Fact "Best Questions"
A couple of weeks ago a client was wondering out loud about why her boss wasn't more supportive of her desire to go back to school. My client works long hours, has been at the company a long time and is trusted to finish projects others walk away from. She is hurt and bewildered that she doesn't have more support from her boss, to the point she feels paralyzed. Staring off into the distance, my client said "I just don't understand why he won't support my desire to go back to school." I let her sit in her question for a bit and then asked her permission to ask her a question. "Sure", she said, sounding wounded and small. "Tell me which question is more compelling to you right now - 'Why won't your boss support your desire to go back to school' or 'Where else in your life do you wait for permission to pursue something that is fulfilling for you?', I said. It was a though a light bulb had been turned on in her heart. Her demeanor brightened, she sat up in her chair and she declared, "Oh my gosh! I've been waiting for permission from this guy and I never needed it to begin with!"We went on to explore what her "Best Questions" were, only to discover that she in fact had more options than she realized.Ask yourself better, in fact "Best Questions" to help you get closer to your Why.
Trust Yourself
One of my newest clients recently started a job. His new boss gave him complete discretion to make whatever changes he felt were necessary and the budget to do it. Almost immediately after starting the job he was faced with terminating a dishonest employee with Most Favored status within the organization. The termination was a political nightmare waiting to happen but part of my clients "Why" is to lead with integrity. Allowing this employee to stay would violate his core values as a leader, and therefore would ultimately sabotage my client's Why.I discussed with my client which was more important to who he wanted to show up to be as a leader - both in the short term and in the long term. My client reconnected with that fact that trusting himself was the best path towards leading with integrity and demonstrating to his team what his Why was. In a follow up session my client shared how many of his team members felt more confident in the entire organization because the dishonest employee was gone. That team is out-performing almost every other one in the organization.Trust yourself. You will get closer to your Why.
Give Yourself Permission to Fail
Many years ago I was sitting in a leadership development class with some colleagues from various departments. We were given an exercise to share with fellow participants observations about each other's work style that may be limiting. I was certain very little would be said about me; I was right and wrong. There was very little said but what was said hit me like a ton of bricks. "Karen", my colleague said, "everyone knows your good at what you do but you are risk averse to the point of being uptight and unapproachable". I can't say I was red in the face, but I may have stopped breathing. Not because she was wrong, but because I felt that my intense fear of failure had been exposed to the world. It was one of the most meaningful pieces of feedback I've ever gotten.Fast forward years later, I was head of a department and asked what to do about a high-visibility disaster. I looked at my boss and said, "I have absolutely no idea what to do, but I have a couple of folks on my team who could solve this with their eyes closed." Realizing almost instantly that I just admitted I didn't know squat about something that was in my shop, my hands started to sweat. My boss looked at me and said, "Karen, what I love about you is your willingness admit that you don't know the answer and that you might screw up." It was an awkward boss moment, but I secretly grinned as I walked away, realizing that maybe I had broken through the belief that if I fail life as I know it will end.The single best answer to the question "what if I fail" is, "you might learn something". Stop taking yourself so seriously. Even if it is serious, use failure to retool for the next round. People learn more about you from your response to failure than they do to the fact that you failed.Give yourself permission to fail. You're welcome.
Shift Your Perspective from Self-criticism to Curiosity
I am a Scorpio. That means I feel things deeply. I'm intense. I'm dramatic and I'm my absolute worst critic. I don't need anybody else's sad story when I need a good cry, I simply repeat my own ones. And for many years, as I sat by waiting on others to give me permission to "do me", I rehearsed all of my flaws and how much they harmed society. But eventually I became bored and annoyed. I was bored because self-criticism is usually monotonous. I was annoyed because people just as screwed up as me were making a difference all over the world!I used to be incredibly insecure about the fact that I love cowboy boots. All kinds of cowboy boots. But since I found my first paid pair at a garage sale in Severn, Md., people have teased me about wearing them. "You're not a cowboy". "People like you don't wear cowboy boots". Why are the toes so pointy?" I assumed that I was flawed and simply ignored the gorgeous caramel-glazed lovelies in the store window for nearly a year like I had been wandering in the desert for that long and found a mirage. But then I got curious about something. My love for cowboy boots comes, not from wanting to be something I'm not, but they represent something that I am - free spirited, resilient, tough on the outside but comfortable on the inside, long-suffering and ready to dress up or dress down.I decided to become curious about my sad stories and used that curiosity to fuel some of my passions. Every time I felt the urge to criticize myself I forced myself to plan a constructive activity. I gave myself permission to have a pity party AFTERWARDS. On almost every occasion, by the end of that activity I forgot whatever it was I was moaning about and actually made progress towards something that was worthy of my energy.Shift your perspective from self-criticism to curiosity. You will get much closer to your Why, and it's a heck of a lot more fun.
Hold Yourself Accountable
Over the years I have developed allergies to things that, 20 years, ago didn't bother me. Ragweed, Bermuda grass, lilies and whining. But it's not my fault. It's my dad's fault. He is a retired pastor, professor and military officer. My children never had a chance! Whining was simply not allowed when I was growing up. And yet, as an adult, I was exceptionally gifted at looking at all of the exterior reasons I wasn't making progress in my personal and professional life and, well, whining about it.Whining is an outward expression of displeasure, blame or discontent. By virtue of the fact that it's intended to draw attention or cause action, it's demanding and often exhausting. Most importantly, whining is directed others and generally requires nothing from the person doing the whining.Early on in my adult life it was that someone made me feel this way or that, so I couldn't heal emotionally. The school with the degree program I really wanted cost too much money, so I couldn't graduate from the school where I had already earned 3 years of college credit. The truth is that in my early 20s I couldn't heal emotionally because it was more convenient to blame other people for something that was ultimately my responsibility. The truth is that I completely stalled my college degree because I kept waiting for my knight in shining armor to whisk me away before finals.Often making progress towards your "Why" is much less about what others aren't letting you do and much more about what you have not been willing to do.Hold yourself accountable to specific and measurable steps and you will get closer to your Why.
Stop Reading This
There is only one step towards progress. It's called Start. You can read my story and countless others, but eventually you're going to have to move from thinking about progress to making progress. It starts with the first step in a written plan.Identify the things that typically get in your way and establish some commitments about what to do when they pop up. Ultimately they are distractions from getting back to what's most important to you.Stop reading this article and use your remaining energy for the day towards getting back to your Why. When you get there, drop me a note and tell me your story. Then, if you can't share it with the entire world, just share it with your own world. But I trust by then, they will already know it.For help getting closer to your Why, give us a call or drop us a note.